Hardened Heart Syndrome

When I was younger I prided myself as an angry person with a chip on my shoulder. You wouldn’t necessarily notice right off the bat that I was an angry young person because I usually came across as being quite charming with a quick sense of humor…but if you dug a little deeper, you would notice that I was also abrupt, cold, kept people at a distance, and was indeed quite broken.

Anger can result from a multitude of sources. For example, at some point in our lives many of us find ourselves either betrayed or abandoned (or both) by someone we trusted. As a general rule, it is the act of betrayal that does more damage than the actual act of abuse – emotional or otherwise.

The anger and bitterness that arises from the feelings of betrayal are often paired with the mantra: “I love you. I hate you. I will never forgive you.”

To be truthful, anger can be an excellent motivator. Anger has the power to focus one’s energies and provide the necessary incentive to get oneself out of a variety of highly unpleasant situations and achieve the pinnacles of success.

Many empires have been built by very angry people with an, “I’ll show you” attitude.

Our culture seems to endorse the use of anger as the motivator of choice. Like a lot of people, I bought into that cultural crutch for many years: Anger as a Badge of Honor.

During the go-go 1980s anger was made cool with the saying, “success is the best revenge”.

The success "to do list" was primarily about acquisition. Acquiring money, a couple of big houses, the ornament wife, and the assorted variety of cars, boats and other toys were the primary drivers of success. A certain amount of celebrity or fame became the frosting on top of the anger motivated “success is the best revenge” cake.

This is where the universe’s twisted sense of humor comes into play.

Many people who acquire all the trappings of success find that they are still unhappy broken spirits. Ultimately they ponder the question of all lost spirits, “Is this all there is?”

Although anger is an excellent tool, anger will only take you so far. At some point, (and this point is different with each individual) anger just stops working for you.

The moment that anger starts to get in our way is the moment we must make a choice.

We can choose to continue to bang our heads against the wall…attempting to use an old and trusted tool that doesn’t work anymore…or we can choose to be creative…think outside the box…and find another way to live our lives.

For all the good that anger can bring us, ultimately anger is a great drain on our energy, health, and overall well being.

Choosing to change one’s colors is a very scary thing. There is a lot of comfort that comes with wearing one’s old and familiar behaviors…even if they are harmful.

If you hear the excuse, “I’m too busy”…those are just the word of an angry person who is not quite ready to let go of old habits.

Every journey begins with a single step.

Although this sounds corny and clichéd: choosing forgiveness and compassion is a good place to start.

There is a time to heal…and a time to move on.

It is important to not rush through the healing process.

When one chooses forgiveness, it is important to remember that forgiveness goes both ways. It is equally important to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive others.

The healing act of forgiveness leads directly to compassion.

I read some where that, “Forgiveness is an act of kindness which leads to compassion. Forgiveness must come straight from the heart, otherwise it is a word that is said with no true intent or meaning. To forgive takes great courage and strength because it goes against everything that we have been taught. We have always been taught to "get even" or "fight back" not to forgive.”

It is difficult, but not impossible, to be kind, generous or warm when you feel broken inside…and are running on empty.

Like all things, forgiveness and compassion are journeys of the heart and spirit…not destinations.


It is a process.

Be kind, gracious, and compassionate…yes…to others…but more importantly…to ourselves.